the worse you can do is ruin it for others and you've been doing that since the beginning.
       
     
Discord Among Tenancy.
       
     
When every step takes concentration.
       
     
Await
       
     
Aphorism of Lawrence.
       
     
Size in reverse proportion to society.
       
     
A Cessation of Monotony.
       
     
misjudging distance.
       
     
Tiny Proximity
       
     
When it comes to matters, I believe we all pretend.
       
     
Don't recall too much.
       
     
I only want to have enough to fail.
       
     
Let the ruin stay within these walls.
       
     
Father on the bathroom floor.
       
     
Grief what rivals madness.
       
     
Stop doing it the way we were told how and own up to the fact that this is how we are doing it.
       
     
Easy.
       
     
Check your sources.
       
     
{ I'm going to need someone to explain me to you. }
       
     
We've all known a you before. We just were not paying attention.
       
     
could take a lifetime or more
       
     
when intentions don't mean shit.
       
     
on the value of transparency
       
     
How fired up can we get?
       
     
Holding back on purpose.
       
     
What's mine is yours. And what's mine has never been mine.
       
     
Sometimes you know better and you do it anyways.
       
     
tell it like it is
       
     
We're all the ones that nothing, and everything, happens to.
       
     
 I never got this way all on my own.  for   The Recipients   p. shaw
       
     
Loneliness becomes capable of retrieving its value from sadness.
       
     
Inside Out.
       
     
You get to say everything by saying nothing.
       
     
Linchpin
       
     
and how we get there.
       
     
For when we think we know already.
       
     
Bargain ends.
       
     
Can hardly tell. Can hardly not.
       
     
Round-about ways
       
     
Interpreting Momentary Sensations
       
     
I've never had more than this one thing to write of:
       
     
I remember.
       
     
Voices from inside awaken
       
     
 for   The Recipients    p. shaw
       
     
More No Matters:
       
     
Nighstand Artifact: 4:57am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact: 3:12am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact: 4:57am
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 1:00am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact: 5:07am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 6:22am
       
     
On principle
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 3:27am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 4:37am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 1:56am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 6:35am
       
     
Back to careful – a turn at looking at yourself.
       
     
The construction was crafted for hosts of reasons, the least not of which was to avoid an inevitable indecency...
       
     
In the last weeks desperately working in every waking hour to put attention toward the concerns of ideas. In my sleep, and dreams, it's been fighting for elimination of fear.
       
     
 "Before you were all, or none of this... what were you, Edward? What you are now is a new becoming and I can't help wondering what it would be like to spend time with the former you."  – Lawrence to Edward for   The Recipients    p. shaw
       
     
 "I could never be, then or now, what I truly am, to myself. Living daily with that awareness is untenable. Admitting myself to myself would reduce functionality to zero." – Here talking, as I write, which is a bit of a freedom I never allow myself and I wonder if Lawrence notices.  "And what about to others?"  "People choose what they see. But the last thing I want is for anyone to show me what they see when they see me. You included."  "That's not how this works. Let me tell you."  "Tell away. Tell is fine. Just don't show me. I can't afford it."  – Edward and Lawrence for   The Recipients    p. shaw       
       
     
 "What I was, was never formed. That lie we're told about being beautiful, that at least once in our life each of us is, didn't have a voice in my past."  "But you can withstand more now. I believe you could have then, too. People like us are nothing if not resilient. And if it isn't over yet, then the your 'lie' has only been for then."  And there is Lawrence's comparisons of me to him, wrapped up in familiarity. That is my newest dislike, reminding me of how I had come to hate others and their jumping ahead to erase my distance.  "Or maybe everyone is more than they know. Maybe it is your truth which is most accurate. That we aren't special in any way."  And there is Lawrence putting words in my mouth. Making the comparison instead of his. And as I tried to never let him get this close, I start to try again ≥ letting him closer: "Lawrence, here are some truths. I didn't want to withstand more. I don't want to establish new limits, a larger range for myself to expect that beauty will come. I have given up. And I want to be that which I never was and always have been and for that to have no potential to be any more than what I am."   "I want you to know, Edward, that I respect all of what you are. The parts you have shown me. Isn't it simply human for me to want more for you. To see potential. Help me understand why you think that is so bad."  "I had fallen as prey, before we met, in a distracted world. Worse than what I had lived through was what I was living in, the world fighting with itself over improvement, or a belief that such was possible and how that world has taken a different tack toward shiny, blinking, backlit, vibrating objects that promised you you were needed, that someone, or millions of someones were on the other side looking for you, and at you, them needing you to look for them, to need them. That that equaled potential. Coming to a conclusion that the circumstances of my life had formed me into a human organism more than poorly designed for that bombardment took me more than a decade of a new kind of pain, and a deadening of that pain through anger at old pain, and argument with old pain, through substance abuse, through being everything I was not whenever I was in the presence of others. Then my painting reminded me of what I had become and that I could look at myself as broken, that potential to 'fix' or 'reclaim' wasn't my highest form of function. Then I was able to determine a better way to survive with how my parents-first-made me, and with how to live with the damage I had also done to myself from ignoring and through ignorance."  Between Edward & Lawrence for   The Recipients    p. shaw
       
     
 "Do you believe we are the ones who are never to do more than we are asked to do?"  "Or we could be the ones who are asking ourselves for more."  "That'd be like wanting."  "Or, perhaps, only allowing. Edward, do you ever consider you delight in scaring me? This consideration of all the bad that can come of our needs. I don't believe you do, but you do."  "And you are now mocking me, Lawrence."  "No. No. I have come to believe you are considering all that is human before disregarding any of it. I admire you and I also hurt for you. If this is what you have come to be and how you need to do, then fine. But I like to think we are becoming friends, whether you want that or not. And I also believe that you are not nearing the end of anything."   between Edward & Lawrence for    The Recipients    p. shaw       
       
     
Lawrence to Edward on his paintings:
       
     
I'm afraid for how we don't stop long enough (define appropriate time ≥ impossible) to acknowledge knowing full well there are just too many to do so.
       
     
Relying on others.
       
     
Marta to Anna
       
     
Absolution of my disdain.
       
     
All things an imitation.
       
     
And what is related to our survival, only?
       
     
"Nothing would sit as I would have it to sit."
       
     
The necessity of arduous tasks to be arduous.
       
     
How friendship starts.
       
     
 "Try not to worry about how I irritate and make you angry."  "You don't make me angry."  "You are a shit liar. And I'll be dead soon enough."  "Are you sick or something?"  "I am only as sick and dying fast as everyone else, up there. I just see it in your face, Edward, that these days are interminable for you, how they go on and make you angry."  "I'm not angry."  "Irritated then. But eventually they all will end and you will say to yourself, 'Lawrence was barely here'. It's just how time works."  for   The Recipients   p. shaw
       
     
Add another day.
       
     
 Every morning I'd wake to struggle with what is real. That comes first, before even knowing. That real is some thing, interpreted endlessly for each of us and what is knowing for each of us. But first there is just that what I cannot change.  There is that what I'd never make or believe if it had been up to me. And yet, there it is. I have to accept it all before I can even begin the work of knowing what is mine. The desire being for none of it to belong to me.   on Anna's waking up – for  The Recipients   p. shaw
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 3.19.2014
       
     
she used to write "I miss you" in a thousand-and-more-than-one ways
       
     
from Lawrence to Edward...
       
     
If no one is missing.
       
     
When one person doesn't 'need' as much as the other.
       
     
Turn yourself in.
       
     
Because you never asked.
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 4.10.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 4.7.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 3.31.2014
       
     
Every night ≠ Dance.
       
     
ripping out what you leave behind.
       
     
And then why are THINGS so important?
       
     
from The Recipients: Chapter 2 : The Mailing Cure • Over There.
       
     
from The Recipients: Chapter 2 : The Mailing Cure • Over There.
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 2.25.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 2.22.2014
       
     
hoping you'd get some use out of it.
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 2.21.2014
       
     
Stuck in your weird little, angry and sad bubble.
       
     
Nightstand Artifact: 1.29.2014
       
     
& all those times you believed in as joy, I was struggling to stay upright.
       
     
shadows behind glass
       
     
on the occasion of searching for that 3rd thing.
       
     
from Lawrence to Edward
       
     
Suspicious: as I have come to know mostly grief.
       
     
favors
       
     
from Lawrence: a little ≥ a lot alike.
       
     
On Cadence Pt. 1
       
     
On Cadence Pt. 2
       
     
On Cadence Pt. 3
       
     
reworks on The Recipients mean going back to Patient Zero.
       
     
What's different from day to day.
       
     
the order of things
       
     
a part on Edward's painting process.
       
     
a continued part on Edward's painting process.
       
     
against obligatory
       
     
when i felt in the bottom.
       
     
Monday Morning Intersections.
       
     
 No matter how human you have become you can't make me make you my family again.   from   The Recipients.     p. shaw
       
     
from Edward's Mother.
       
     
more on the revisions to revisions...
       
     
little bits of dialogue and despair...
       
     
the genetic nature of human sound.
       
     
What it means to receive.
       
     
What I feel.
       
     
Find.
       
     
All the things Edward's sick has kept him from.
       
     
Silent Race
       
     
The day after and every day after.
       
     
the note I was waiting to hear.
       
     
having to decide.
       
     
follow.
       
     
poor choices.
       
     
The Vows : A Promise. An Insult.
       
     
even from here I can see...
       
     
Simple Written Word.
       
     
I left.
       
     
28448270-Photo.jpg
       
     
28009304-Photo.jpg
       
     
Deflation
       
     
 ​A four year long dissolution – not one day at a time. The days happen w/o dissolve. The dissolve is the minutes that make my stomach hurt, the heart that pounds, the tongue that ties, and the thing I run from, but return to – I can't help it. And I force it.  – from   The Recipients   p.shaw
       
     
the song before I can dance.
       
     
Minute.
       
     
ARD_6.22.2016.2.jpg
       
     
a note from mother.
       
     
New Bookended Chapter Headings
       
     
working at nothing.
       
     
motivations and rationale
       
     
another equation on mother
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 1.21.2014
       
     
about the birds at Rakita
       
     
a secret pact with things
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 1.30.2014
       
     
notes from the first retreat to work on: The Recipients
       
     
the worse you can do is ruin it for others and you've been doing that since the beginning.
       
     
the worse you can do is ruin it for others and you've been doing that since the beginning.

Fall for what you can't have.

-Marta to Anna
for The Recipients
p.shaw

Discord Among Tenancy.
       
     
Discord Among Tenancy.

I live in a complex of half answers and wishing for days where even the thought of you could disappear for the length of being awake.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

When every step takes concentration.
       
     
When every step takes concentration.

The current worry can't be seen around : leaning ≥ pitching ≤ squinting : all futures are forward : all lives around a corner.

The current worry blurs behind ≥ backwards : where Knowing was a value I had stored away for when it was needed : and now the current worry robs that access : makes Yesterday ≥ Knowing : its own blanketed clot.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Await
       
     
Await

Awaiting the invention that wipes away today's obsolescence. 

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Aphorism of Lawrence.
       
     
Aphorism of Lawrence.

"When asking of Fear for an answer, the closest you will get to receiving a truth, would be a survival tip."

- from Lawrence to Edward
for The Recipients
p.shaw

Size in reverse proportion to society.
       
     
Size in reverse proportion to society.

"Always hear tale of how big love can be. What I wonder after is how small, in its magnificence."

– between Anna and Marta
for The Recipients
p.shaw

A Cessation of Monotony.
       
     
A Cessation of Monotony.

"The point could be putting a kind of killing on the monotonous days: minutes, our hours, that all stretch to become years—as if without our knowing. There are ways to destroy this from occurring."

"If only your 'killing' encompasses a coming to rest within this occurrence itself, this monotony as you put it. If everyday were to be no further complicated or holding in expectation than another. That, for me, is what becomes livable. This is the only way I support your destruction."

between Lawrence & Edward
for The Recipients
p.shaw

misjudging distance.
       
     
misjudging distance.

I am believing we try too hard—or not enough—for our ourselves.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Tiny Proximity
       
     
Tiny Proximity

The sadness has no origin in our distance. Rather my sadnesses all begin with how I no longer can muster a desire for even the tiniest of proximities with you.

-from a letter Edward sends home
for The Recipients

p.shaw

When it comes to matters, I believe we all pretend.
       
     
When it comes to matters, I believe we all pretend.

Too much.

Edward to Lawrence
from The Recipients
p.shaw

Don't recall too much.
       
     
Don't recall too much.

I am embarrassed for me, that before-self me, the one you forgave, the one I'll never have permission to.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

I only want to have enough to fail.
       
     
I only want to have enough to fail.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Let the ruin stay within these walls.
       
     
Let the ruin stay within these walls.

I want this to be the only place to show the wear and tear I put on the world. The record that I bothered and that I kept it to myself.

Edward on his secular asceticism
for The Recipients


p.shaw

Father on the bathroom floor.
       
     
Father on the bathroom floor.

After Lawrence reappeared from using the toilet he asked: "As a child did you ever see images in textures? Paint, the ceiling of your bedroom, in stones, that sort of thing? Like clouds as shapes of animals?"

"You saw him then?," I said.

"The man's face in the tile on the floor of your bath?," he asked.

"Of course," and I meant the face and I meant also that I have always seen images around me.

Lawrence said: "Doesn't he vaguely resemble what we've been sold to know of Christ? I think he does. You might want to invite the pilgrims to attend viewings. For a ticket price, of course."

"I believe it to resemble my father. Without a holy metaphor of any kind," I said.

Lawrence asked: "When did you first notice him?"

"Oddly, he just seemed to arrive recently. Now I see nothing else when I'm on the toilet. At first I thought him a stain of some kind. I scrubbed with an abrasive several times. But it appears he is part of the marble. He must have always been there," I said.

"What can one do when they get placed without choice," said Lawrence.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

 


 

 

 

 

Grief what rivals madness.
       
     
Grief what rivals madness.

Grieve that which rivals madness.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Stop doing it the way we were told how and own up to the fact that this is how we are doing it.
       
     
Stop doing it the way we were told how and own up to the fact that this is how we are doing it.

Promises were words that didn't mean the same thing to different people. Damn words. Damn meaning. Damn intentions.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Easy.
       
     
Easy.

from Lawrence to Edward
for The Recipients

p.shaw

Check your sources.
       
     
Check your sources.

Disappointments attributed to the promises broken are fundamentally flawed from our willingnesses to rely on a thing so fragile as a promise.

from Edward to Lawrence
for The Recipients
p.shaw

{ I'm going to need someone to explain me to you. }
       
     
{ I'm going to need someone to explain me to you. }

for The Recipients
p.shaw

We've all known a you before. We just were not paying attention.
       
     
We've all known a you before. We just were not paying attention.

Another awakening to our insufferable world, that grew more 'in' in my stead.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

could take a lifetime or more
       
     
could take a lifetime or more

To tell you everything will take a long time. The commitment is to stick with the telling, releasing the obligations of life and to wait and wade through the moments of silence until the next detail returns. 

And yet, even with the best of intentions to not avoid a detail, promising to give you all of every single one, there will still be the fear of forgetting – that fills the silences while I am waiting for memories to return. That has never been my strength.

We should go ahead now, schedule regular follow-ups, get them on the calendar, discuss how I can transcribe what returns and how best to get these all to you in some form to your liking. My filling in of my unintentional gaps.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

when intentions don't mean shit.
       
     
when intentions don't mean shit.

Apologies are broken from saying too much.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

on the value of transparency
       
     
on the value of transparency

"How less selfish a gift than to demystify an act."

from Lawrence to Edward
for The Recipients
p.shaw

 

How fired up can we get?
       
     
How fired up can we get?

I need to know how bad it'll get before I can ever be equipped to fix.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Holding back on purpose.
       
     
Holding back on purpose.

"Whether I knew it or not, I've always wanted to be a failure. Or needed to be. Some mythic higher power must know me well. Knows enough that if I found even an ounce of success at anything, it would destroy me. So, you see, I am being protected from myself. Either by myself, or by your god."

"I don't have a god."

"Or you do, Edward, and you just don't know yourself, yet."

between Lawrence & Edward
for The Recipients
p.shaw

What's mine is yours. And what's mine has never been mine.
       
     
What's mine is yours. And what's mine has never been mine.

I have spent a lifetime either under an impression of, or chasing after, a false pretension of strength.

We may just feel our ways through griefs not designed to compete, accepting how alone we feel, altogether.

p.shaw

Sometimes you know better and you do it anyways.
       
     
Sometimes you know better and you do it anyways.

I'll do whatever I can to ruin this permanence for us. Not because I know better. Not because I want to destroy us, it, all of it – but because we're all so fallible, and I never lead – shouldn't we get a chance to see what the end will be like while we are still capable of coming back from an ending?

I will follow how we break ourselves, searching for a next truth, searching for a never truth, lying to ourselves about a search even existing when nothing is new, novel, true, or worth the getting out of bed to locate.

You're so fancy to say so.

We're all so good at the lies.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

tell it like it is
       
     
tell it like it is

Now that I am grown
I am allowed
to say to you

I won't come
to the home
of my lost father, friends, lovers

There is nothing
for you
to say back.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

We're all the ones that nothing, and everything, happens to.
       
     
We're all the ones that nothing, and everything, happens to.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

 I never got this way all on my own.  for   The Recipients   p. shaw
       
     

I never got this way all on my own.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Loneliness becomes capable of retrieving its value from sadness.
       
     
Loneliness becomes capable of retrieving its value from sadness.

Nightstand Artifact 5:11am
for The Recipients

p.shaw

Inside Out.
       
     
Inside Out.

The differences in us so very, very small ≥ the makings of what we become so fucking huge ≠ you'd never once think to not tell us apart.

"It really won't matter much, at all; our knowing what has become important to one another. How could it?"

We go on enjoying the examination of stranger's faces.

between Edward and Lawrence on a Tuesday
for
The Recipients
p.shaw

You get to say everything by saying nothing.
       
     
You get to say everything by saying nothing.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Linchpin
       
     
Linchpin

"I'm not accusing your intentions. I'm accusing you of not working hard enough for your life, with your gifts."

– Lawrence to Edward
for The Recipients
p.shaw

and how we get there.
       
     
and how we get there.

Sometimes in our brightest moments, we do stop to wonder at all we're making right now. Sure, we're not getting even an nth of it handled, but look, look at how much we're working on, right, now. 

Then think ahead to the time when we'll laugh at ourselves for all of this we are doing, right, now. So certain in our certainty, so assured in our assuredness, so wanting and willing to believe we are getting it right this time. Think ahead to how stupid, how hard, how laughable. Because we have laughed before at the same certainty, we know that time will come.

We can see that time in our minds because it has already happened, because of the evidence of our past patterns. So, what is we just jumped ahead? To the laughter and the forgiveness. Why not? To the getting it right, again, in a different way. Jumped ahead to the next round of fixing. Why wouldn't we? If we know its time is gonna come then let's just be those people, now, instead. Those smarter, more humble, more laughter-filled people.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

For when we think we know already.
       
     
For when we think we know already.

"Some of us became who we are faster than others. Nothing divides friendships more efficiently, too mysteriously for our undeveloped selves to understand."

– Lawrence to Edward
for The Recipients

p.shaw

Bargain ends.
       
     
Bargain ends.

You've never had an 'angle,' or if you did it got right up on you and died. You seem only the man who goes without. Despite our wanting to believe in all the expectations we expect you to have; for why wouldn't you?; for our beliefs won't allow but for everyone to must have some; for no matter how hidden, how possibly hard they are worked by you to never show or never share; for how can no one never get by without an angle, even if at least it was your beginning, your starting place before it went and died, if even you never measured its trigonometry for disappointment.

Because none of this family had the schooling to even know, none of this family had nothing but words of a father, but 'Unbecoming.', and, 'Never show no wants.', and 'Never show your lacking.' It's alright at some point that you wanted something but you weren't never going to get it without an angle. We weren't never going to trust you until we'd seen how you're bent.

a letter from Edward's mother,
The Recipients
p.shaw

Can hardly tell. Can hardly not.
       
     
Can hardly tell. Can hardly not.

The genetic differences between all of us are so small, barely noticeable. And yet, the differences between the makings of us so huge. You'd never once think to not tell us apart.

from Lawrence to Edward
for The Recipients

p.shaw

Round-about ways
       
     
Round-about ways

What I am missing is trying to have itself identified through telling me everywhere it will never be found.

p.shaw

Interpreting Momentary Sensations
       
     
Interpreting Momentary Sensations

"Felt kind of good lately, being someone else, being something better."

from Anna to Marta
for The Recipients
p.shaw

I've never had more than this one thing to write of:
       
     
I've never had more than this one thing to write of:

Your words are the placebo I'm waiting to react to.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

I remember.
       
     
I remember.

"Remember? I remember. The girl with a comma for hair."

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Voices from inside awaken
       
     
Voices from inside awaken

These were here, in existence, long before we agreed to start.

And 'it's not made for that' never made sense to me, anyhow.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

 for   The Recipients    p. shaw
       
     

for The Recipients

p.shaw

More No Matters:
       
     
More No Matters:

"No matter what we are to call this – we are witnessing. Witnessing the behaviors of an existence without trust. The rest of our names we come up with to call it, to obscure, to hide, to convince ourselves to continue, to lie from ourselves to ourselves and to others, is only further evidence. Yes?"

from Lawrence to Edward
for The Recipients

p.shaw

Nighstand Artifact: 4:57am
       
     
Nighstand Artifact: 4:57am

No matter the ease with which I can convince myself that every voice inside my head belongs to me, can I ever be certain?

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact: 3:12am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact: 3:12am

We worked hard to develop our own language between us – the final translation being there's only enough room for one.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact: 4:57am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact: 4:57am

I don't seem healed. Only in a remission of happiness.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 1:00am
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 1:00am

All the way over here I can feel all the times you wanted to tell me to stop.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact: 5:07am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact: 5:07am

I can see all the scars inside my brain when I wake from dreams of childhood.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact 6:22am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 6:22am

I like him when he's at his least. I hate him, now, when he's at his most. As for love: How can I possibly tell?

for The Recipients
p.shaw

On principle
       
     
On principle

"Lawrence, there were others, and other times, when my 'integrity' was noted or remarked upon. Each time I doubted their perceptions. The idea of its existence. How can such a thing as integrity be measured, known to exist, and in which volumes? It relies on time and a completion. Moreover, I could not sense that I had a guiding principle. Whatever they were referring to felt more about what they were looking to find in me, or in anyone, rather than an accurate or adequate assessment."

"And now?"

"I don't know if I have any other word for what you claim is tearing me apart from the inside."

"So, perhaps they, me, we're all right?"

"No. I think we're all just being mislead by words."

between Edward and Lawrence
for The Recipients

p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact 3:27am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 3:27am

and then only do you begin to awaken to your own loss, as you watch another struggle to move away from theirs.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact 4:37am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 4:37am

Stared into, all foreign, like a night. At least half of our lives hold our fears from us, up to us.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact 1:56am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 1:56am

I am certain I had said the words in my life that I have not meant.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact 6:35am
       
     
Nightstand Artifact 6:35am

At first, I wondered if I was broken.

Then I thought I was broken.

Now I know I'm broken.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Back to careful – a turn at looking at yourself.
       
     
Back to careful – a turn at looking at yourself.

Lawrence is attempting to make me appear more human. To a woman whose stated job is to deliver us records, time codes from days past that auditors have pulled but want us to review, to append our notes, when our time allows, but never with a reason or specific request as to what we are to be looking for. Lawrence and I suspect the woman's job is to report on us, to watch the watchers, just brief oversights to report : "No. They were not asleep at their posts." in our darkened basement world.

Lawrence is telling her something I shared with him, in confidence. The anecdotal item sounds trivial coming from him. Perhaps it sounded trivial to him when I shared it with him. He is trying to garner her interest in me, adding color to me, with a simple story that is not his, but is part of mine. 

What this resembles as I witness my reaction to his sharing is embarrassment, a feeling I've managed to avoid. Then it becomes anger : me toward him. 

Afterward :
"What's wrong?," he says.
"Nothing," I say. And I won't tell; him and from now on I'll be back to vigilant. Back to careful.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

The construction was crafted for hosts of reasons, the least not of which was to avoid an inevitable indecency...
       
     
The construction was crafted for hosts of reasons, the least not of which was to avoid an inevitable indecency...

...that was always destined to arrive. But constructions are built on hope: simple hopes that the structure would last longer than feasible; even a naive hope that hope could make a world where walls last forever. And then the day arrives, and watching the actions unfold is much slower than what one is accustomed to in this day and age, our now of when actions appear instantaneous. 

There have been so many little acts, where perhaps we weren't even aware, the results of which are like asking another to go forward (impossible) as if we no longer, or never have, existed for one another. What could I ask her to erase? What now, must I demand.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

In the last weeks desperately working in every waking hour to put attention toward the concerns of ideas. In my sleep, and dreams, it's been fighting for elimination of fear.
       
     
In the last weeks desperately working in every waking hour to put attention toward the concerns of ideas. In my sleep, and dreams, it's been fighting for elimination of fear.

Nightstand Artifact 1:54am

for The Recipients

p.shaw

 "Before you were all, or none of this... what were you, Edward? What you are now is a new becoming and I can't help wondering what it would be like to spend time with the former you."  – Lawrence to Edward for   The Recipients    p. shaw
       
     

"Before you were all, or none of this... what were you, Edward? What you are now is a new becoming and I can't help wondering what it would be like to spend time with the former you."

– Lawrence to Edward
for The Recipients

p.shaw

 "I could never be, then or now, what I truly am, to myself. Living daily with that awareness is untenable. Admitting myself to myself would reduce functionality to zero." – Here talking, as I write, which is a bit of a freedom I never allow myself and I wonder if Lawrence notices.  "And what about to others?"  "People choose what they see. But the last thing I want is for anyone to show me what they see when they see me. You included."  "That's not how this works. Let me tell you."  "Tell away. Tell is fine. Just don't show me. I can't afford it."  – Edward and Lawrence for   The Recipients    p. shaw       
       
     

"I could never be, then or now, what I truly am, to myself. Living daily with that awareness is untenable. Admitting myself to myself would reduce functionality to zero." – Here talking, as I write, which is a bit of a freedom I never allow myself and I wonder if Lawrence notices.

"And what about to others?"

"People choose what they see. But the last thing I want is for anyone to show me what they see when they see me. You included."

"That's not how this works. Let me tell you."

"Tell away. Tell is fine. Just don't show me. I can't afford it."

– Edward and Lawrence
for The Recipients

p.shaw

 

 

 "What I was, was never formed. That lie we're told about being beautiful, that at least once in our life each of us is, didn't have a voice in my past."  "But you can withstand more now. I believe you could have then, too. People like us are nothing if not resilient. And if it isn't over yet, then the your 'lie' has only been for then."  And there is Lawrence's comparisons of me to him, wrapped up in familiarity. That is my newest dislike, reminding me of how I had come to hate others and their jumping ahead to erase my distance.  "Or maybe everyone is more than they know. Maybe it is your truth which is most accurate. That we aren't special in any way."  And there is Lawrence putting words in my mouth. Making the comparison instead of his. And as I tried to never let him get this close, I start to try again ≥ letting him closer: "Lawrence, here are some truths. I didn't want to withstand more. I don't want to establish new limits, a larger range for myself to expect that beauty will come. I have given up. And I want to be that which I never was and always have been and for that to have no potential to be any more than what I am."   "I want you to know, Edward, that I respect all of what you are. The parts you have shown me. Isn't it simply human for me to want more for you. To see potential. Help me understand why you think that is so bad."  "I had fallen as prey, before we met, in a distracted world. Worse than what I had lived through was what I was living in, the world fighting with itself over improvement, or a belief that such was possible and how that world has taken a different tack toward shiny, blinking, backlit, vibrating objects that promised you you were needed, that someone, or millions of someones were on the other side looking for you, and at you, them needing you to look for them, to need them. That that equaled potential. Coming to a conclusion that the circumstances of my life had formed me into a human organism more than poorly designed for that bombardment took me more than a decade of a new kind of pain, and a deadening of that pain through anger at old pain, and argument with old pain, through substance abuse, through being everything I was not whenever I was in the presence of others. Then my painting reminded me of what I had become and that I could look at myself as broken, that potential to 'fix' or 'reclaim' wasn't my highest form of function. Then I was able to determine a better way to survive with how my parents-first-made me, and with how to live with the damage I had also done to myself from ignoring and through ignorance."  Between Edward & Lawrence for   The Recipients    p. shaw
       
     

"What I was, was never formed. That lie we're told about being beautiful, that at least once in our life each of us is, didn't have a voice in my past."

"But you can withstand more now. I believe you could have then, too. People like us are nothing if not resilient. And if it isn't over yet, then the your 'lie' has only been for then."

And there is Lawrence's comparisons of me to him, wrapped up in familiarity. That is my newest dislike, reminding me of how I had come to hate others and their jumping ahead to erase my distance.

"Or maybe everyone is more than they know. Maybe it is your truth which is most accurate. That we aren't special in any way."

And there is Lawrence putting words in my mouth. Making the comparison instead of his. And as I tried to never let him get this close, I start to try again ≥ letting him closer: "Lawrence, here are some truths. I didn't want to withstand more. I don't want to establish new limits, a larger range for myself to expect that beauty will come. I have given up. And I want to be that which I never was and always have been and for that to have no potential to be any more than what I am." 

"I want you to know, Edward, that I respect all of what you are. The parts you have shown me. Isn't it simply human for me to want more for you. To see potential. Help me understand why you think that is so bad."

"I had fallen as prey, before we met, in a distracted world. Worse than what I had lived through was what I was living in, the world fighting with itself over improvement, or a belief that such was possible and how that world has taken a different tack toward shiny, blinking, backlit, vibrating objects that promised you you were needed, that someone, or millions of someones were on the other side looking for you, and at you, them needing you to look for them, to need them. That that equaled potential. Coming to a conclusion that the circumstances of my life had formed me into a human organism more than poorly designed for that bombardment took me more than a decade of a new kind of pain, and a deadening of that pain through anger at old pain, and argument with old pain, through substance abuse, through being everything I was not whenever I was in the presence of others. Then my painting reminded me of what I had become and that I could look at myself as broken, that potential to 'fix' or 'reclaim' wasn't my highest form of function. Then I was able to determine a better way to survive with how my parents-first-made me, and with how to live with the damage I had also done to myself from ignoring and through ignorance."

Between Edward & Lawrence
for The Recipients

p.shaw

 "Do you believe we are the ones who are never to do more than we are asked to do?"  "Or we could be the ones who are asking ourselves for more."  "That'd be like wanting."  "Or, perhaps, only allowing. Edward, do you ever consider you delight in scaring me? This consideration of all the bad that can come of our needs. I don't believe you do, but you do."  "And you are now mocking me, Lawrence."  "No. No. I have come to believe you are considering all that is human before disregarding any of it. I admire you and I also hurt for you. If this is what you have come to be and how you need to do, then fine. But I like to think we are becoming friends, whether you want that or not. And I also believe that you are not nearing the end of anything."   between Edward & Lawrence for    The Recipients    p. shaw       
       
     

"Do you believe we are the ones who are never to do more than we are asked to do?"

"Or we could be the ones who are asking ourselves for more."

"That'd be like wanting."

"Or, perhaps, only allowing. Edward, do you ever consider you delight in scaring me? This consideration of all the bad that can come of our needs. I don't believe you do, but you do."

"And you are now mocking me, Lawrence."

"No. No. I have come to believe you are considering all that is human before disregarding any of it. I admire you and I also hurt for you. If this is what you have come to be and how you need to do, then fine. But I like to think we are becoming friends, whether you want that or not. And I also believe that you are not nearing the end of anything."

between Edward & Lawrence
for
The Recipients

p.shaw

 

 

Lawrence to Edward on his paintings:
       
     
Lawrence to Edward on his paintings:

"Do you ever see them as bruises?"

for The Recipients
p.shaw

I'm afraid for how we don't stop long enough (define appropriate time ≥ impossible) to acknowledge knowing full well there are just too many to do so.
       
     
I'm afraid for how we don't stop long enough (define appropriate time ≥ impossible) to acknowledge knowing full well there are just too many to do so.

Nightstand Artifact 3:53am

for The Recipients

p.shaw

Relying on others.
       
     
Relying on others.

In between the being you remove the existence through acts of pretension. A grand idea to avoid any pain. Except you never did the math or the research. Math was always a struggle for you. At least they could have shown you some of the articles – studies on how many times that approach to avoiding the pain never worked. They might have shown you, though. You mat have ignored them or not remembered their attempts to assist you. You may have ignored them to further convince yourself that receding was a good plan. 

Or they may not have; afraid of you and for you.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Marta to Anna
       
     
Marta to Anna

"I think it's the love that we want so badly, when we're younger, or just whatever in our lives, that is the shit that stifles us. Maybe you should look at it like you were pardoned."
 

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Absolution of my disdain.
       
     
Absolution of my disdain.

Now it is Lawrence's beginning again, offering what he believes is his latest gift to me : An attempt to absolve me of a guilt he also believes I am feeling : He says : "In defense of your disdain for others, it appears to at least be equal to a perceived oblivion," – appears + at least + perceived ÷ ideas of equal ≤ are poor word choices for absolution, just another half-hearted attempt I am tempted to ignore – and as always, I listen to him continue : "your perceived oblivion in their nature's, to be restricted, your disdain. You limit it to only those who are paying such little attention."

I say : "Or none, at all." 

Then I ask : "What the hell do I know anyways, Lawrence?"

for The Recipients
p.shaw

All things an imitation.
       
     
All things an imitation.

the mocked enjoy a special sleep, the scorned another. 

p.shaw

for The Recipients

 

And what is related to our survival, only?
       
     
And what is related to our survival, only?

for The Recipients
p.shaw

"Nothing would sit as I would have it to sit."
       
     
"Nothing would sit as I would have it to sit."

"And still, your paintings"
"My documenting."
"Alright. Your documenting. Still, your documenting is about running."
"The highest objective was for there to be none. Yet, we'll never find a soul willing to admit that they would pay for none, but our own."
"None. Elimination. Whatever you want to call it, my friend. That is about fears. And admitting that leaves you with one."

between Edward and Lawrence
for The Recipients

p.shaw

 

The necessity of arduous tasks to be arduous.
       
     
The necessity of arduous tasks to be arduous.

"We have become so used to our doings. We forget to even ask ourselves, 'What am I trying to do?' before we begin."

"Except, until you are finished doing, it is never too late to ask that question. Thinking it so is more damaging than starting our doing without knowing."

between Edward & Lawrence
for The Recipients

How friendship starts.
       
     
How friendship starts.

"Cynicism is a particulate of order. And we fight order with games, to distract us from a real work." – Lawrence

"Our dramas condense time, lead us to desire shorter pathways. This. This is how time works." – Lawrence

exploring more the friendship between Edward and Lawrence that began in the basement security center of a high-rise financial center, for The Recipients

 "Try not to worry about how I irritate and make you angry."  "You don't make me angry."  "You are a shit liar. And I'll be dead soon enough."  "Are you sick or something?"  "I am only as sick and dying fast as everyone else, up there. I just see it in your face, Edward, that these days are interminable for you, how they go on and make you angry."  "I'm not angry."  "Irritated then. But eventually they all will end and you will say to yourself, 'Lawrence was barely here'. It's just how time works."  for   The Recipients   p. shaw
       
     

"Try not to worry about how I irritate and make you angry."

"You don't make me angry."

"You are a shit liar. And I'll be dead soon enough."

"Are you sick or something?"

"I am only as sick and dying fast as everyone else, up there. I just see it in your face, Edward, that these days are interminable for you, how they go on and make you angry."

"I'm not angry."

"Irritated then. But eventually they all will end and you will say to yourself, 'Lawrence was barely here'. It's just how time works."

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Add another day.
       
     
Add another day.

"We are the sum total of our mistakes."

"Despite an enlightened view of our work here?"

"Speak for yourself. And yes, you may feel your own desire to reject that notion. Of course, it is fully encouraged. They will tell you that if you do not, we only make the other mistake."

-between Edward & Lawrence,
for The Recipients

 Every morning I'd wake to struggle with what is real. That comes first, before even knowing. That real is some thing, interpreted endlessly for each of us and what is knowing for each of us. But first there is just that what I cannot change.  There is that what I'd never make or believe if it had been up to me. And yet, there it is. I have to accept it all before I can even begin the work of knowing what is mine. The desire being for none of it to belong to me.   on Anna's waking up – for  The Recipients   p. shaw
       
     

Every morning I'd wake to struggle with what is real. That comes first, before even knowing. That real is some thing, interpreted endlessly for each of us and what is knowing for each of us. But first there is just that what I cannot change.

There is that what I'd never make or believe if it had been up to me. And yet, there it is. I have to accept it all before I can even begin the work of knowing what is mine. The desire being for none of it to belong to me.

on Anna's waking up – for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 3.19.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 3.19.2014

3:07am

Her teeth were born to match her face.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

she used to write "I miss you" in a thousand-and-more-than-one ways
       
     
she used to write "I miss you" in a thousand-and-more-than-one ways

I spent the weekend sitting amidst papers, unfolded, covering this uncomfortable fucking rug, rereading the letters of her young love to me (I can't believe I still have them, but it's not like I just found them, or stumbled across them, I know exactly where they are, at all times) and wondering why her love still doesn't read young to me. They went over my head at nineteen and at forty-two they still sound like they were written a lot of tomorrows from now. 

for The Recipients.
p.shaw

from Lawrence to Edward...
       
     
from Lawrence to Edward...

"It says here: 'Shake well.' Maybe you're not shaking it well enough."

for The Recipients
p.shaw

If no one is missing.
       
     
If no one is missing.

When I go away you won't find me and I won't be looking for you. 

I keep saying the words but I don't know who I'm saying them to. Or why I keep asking.

And I want to go away. I want to go away.
And I want to go away. I want to go away.
Because you make it so hard I want to go away.
And I want to go away.

Even though there are those you know who are taken away. 
And still I just want to go away.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

When one person doesn't 'need' as much as the other.
       
     
When one person doesn't 'need' as much as the other.

"When you so strongly react to every situation in which you do not get what you want... that translates to insatiable."

from The Recipients

Turn yourself in.
       
     
Turn yourself in.

If they were talking to one another aloud without being able to listen.

Edward:
"If you turn yourself into an animal then maybe you will only suffer as an animal does" : quietly.

Anna:
"And I will have nothing left to accept of you. Nothing because I had nothing before and you will leave everything for your forever, even when I can love you far more than a child or any man I had to accept."

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Because you never asked.
       
     
Because you never asked.

With all the things you ever said, piling up, to where there was no more room for us.

p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 4.10.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 4.10.2014

1:53pm
You get so mad because there is something more than you.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

 

 

Nightstand Artifacts: 4.7.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 4.7.2014

4:37am
You never say anything, so you can get away with everything.

p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 3.31.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 3.31.2014

3:57am
Like walking down memory lane with a stranger.

– on the obtrusiveness of those being chatty in public,
for The Recipients

p.shaw

Every night ≠ Dance.
       
     
Every night ≠ Dance.

Tenet Challenge #2:
The ink bleeds on the trash, without my control it feels = not mine : acceptable : like rain on a window or the spokes of a bicycle. It has to go somewhere.

Somewhere I can prepare for, or be prepared for = the less I move or the less I try and move the ink, the longer it stops ≥ to dry : to become a reflection : a representation of them. And I can slow down = slowing them down > to make absolutely certain that what dries is their intention and not mine.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

ripping out what you leave behind.
       
     
ripping out what you leave behind.

And yes, right now I am not strong enough. I have had to do the unthinkable : turn my back on my family because I do not have the strength to accept their bigotry and hate.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

And then why are THINGS so important?
       
     
And then why are THINGS so important?

Nightstand Artifacts:
3.3.2014
2:35am

Gifts are easy for me. They are empty and without demand. There is very little thought and it is the caring that goes missing.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

from The Recipients: Chapter 2 : The Mailing Cure • Over There.
       
     
from The Recipients: Chapter 2 : The Mailing Cure • Over There.

pages 59 & 60

gratitude for the thoughtful work put in by HMcH on my manuscript.

 

p.shaw

from The Recipients: Chapter 2 : The Mailing Cure • Over There.
       
     
from The Recipients: Chapter 2 : The Mailing Cure • Over There.

pages 71 & 72

gratitude for the thoughtful work put in by HMcH on my manuscript.

 

p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 2.25.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 2.25.2014

2:38am
You gave up so you could do all this.

p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 2.22.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 2.22.2014

1:27am

When you asked: "What is this?"
I had an entirely different answer that I still don't know how to accept.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

hoping you'd get some use out of it.
       
     
hoping you'd get some use out of it.

"The thing I wasn't doing was your future. I made sure every thing was about yesterday."

– Anna
The Recipients

p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 2.21.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 2.21.2014

4:37am
"What will impress me is how you do it."

for The Recipients.
p.shaw

Stuck in your weird little, angry and sad bubble.
       
     
Stuck in your weird little, angry and sad bubble.

We are surrounded by one another. People all around us, always doing things they don't want anyone else to see.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifact: 1.29.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifact: 1.29.2014

3:04am

More than 15 years ago I did the right thing. I am still awaking to regret it.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

& all those times you believed in as joy, I was struggling to stay upright.
       
     
& all those times you believed in as joy, I was struggling to stay upright.

I never wanted you    Between ourselves
to miss me. I had        there is something
just hoped you            I cannot place.
had not forgotten.       I regret your sadness,
Your eyes could tell   somehow but I can
me that I am familiar  only conclude that what
to you. Your eyes       was very important to
could display a           you, has not stuck with
recognition. Behind   me. I didn't start out to
them I knew that         hurt those of you. There have
our memories were    just been too many.
now only mine.            I will learn to smile so
                                       you can believe there is
                                       more.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

                                        

shadows behind glass
       
     
shadows behind glass

the black in an image offers all the reflection you need and now we plan around it.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

on the occasion of searching for that 3rd thing.
       
     
on the occasion of searching for that 3rd thing.

"The part of me that will be my death is generosity. But for you, it is different. And I offer mine to you for a better reason."

– Lawrence to Edward in The Recipients
p.shaw

from Lawrence to Edward
       
     
from Lawrence to Edward

"We have created our own fear of one another's eyes. We no longer know where to look."

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Suspicious: as I have come to know mostly grief.
       
     
Suspicious: as I have come to know mostly grief.

The thinking becomes : How do you reconcile these moments? ≥ or is that occurrence truly my mistake? 

The questions become :

"Just accept and take it. For what else am I to do?"

or

"Can one really do anything other than choose to enjoy or walk away from opportunity?"

Inspiration and luck are similar in their construct. Neither can be made to happen.

She nudged me from the beginning. Apologetic about the nudge but now I know her intentions were set from the first moment. And : I was merely caught in her wake.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

favors
       
     
favors

I ask to be there at the time of your death.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

from Lawrence: a little ≥ a lot alike.
       
     
from Lawrence: a little ≥ a lot alike.

"Perhaps you take this idea of family too seriously, Lawrence said, "for the first half of my life the only conclusion I could believe was that mine existed to teach me of pain. The second part it has been only to make me question my humanity, to wonder if I am as callous as they would have me now believe. They'd have you believe that I have no heart. You know that isn't true. I do have one, in spite of them."

for The Recipients
p.shaw

On Cadence Pt. 1
       
     
On Cadence Pt. 1

Something is different. Since I noticed her, each morning : 4:47a.m., I awake. It is never the right time to rise so I do not. I stay beneath my blanket, quiet in my body but my mind begins from the beginning and these are thoughts that course through me.

The Thoughts : resemble Word : only : at 4:47a.m. until 5:23a.m., when it becomes time to rise, even though I do not always move from under the blanket, even though it is time to, and when I do not move the thoughts change from only words to images.

This is how it had been since things had changed : before. Then : I noticed her. Since then : words = thoughts + (x) ≥ the images of her.

The images come at intervals when I stay under the blanket having made a decision not to rise even though it is the time to rise. The images comes at intervals and I wanted the intervals to have rhythm ≥ Cadence. There was none ≥ me discerning one. 

I searched for Cadence by turning myself beneath the blanket, face down; right arm straight at side; left arm bent at elbow with palm up underneath me, underneath my chest,; palm over my heart.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

On Cadence Pt. 2
       
     
On Cadence Pt. 2

I had been listening to my heart, with my hand, ever since the thoughts that were only words started to be interrupted by an insinuation of image : her. 

My heart has had a stutter. After things had changed : before. The stutter is never at rest > Was = Never. The stutter came at times of movement but not effort. Rest = Effort.

I counted to find cadence to the images : they were never equal in QTY. from one day to the next. They Do Have : Interval but Not : Cadence. I could map them on a longer timeline. I do not want to. I do not want ≠ need to add this to my Existence Process.

I want to pay attention to them ≥ Anticipation. Except to expect becomes : reliance. I enjoy them too much to ask that of them. I fear Them : disappearing. They are > Words as Thoughts. 

I don't want to see more. I want to know they won't leave. Because they were different I could not trust them. I don't want to ask them to be trusted. I don't want to have to ask.

This morning, something different/different A sound. Without knowing the words she said I could hear her voice. That image, just that one, accompanied by a stutter as felt by my left hand, bent elbow, palm up, over my heart came with...

for The Recipients
p.shaw

On Cadence Pt. 3
       
     
On Cadence Pt. 3

...the sound of words that were not my thoughts.

I could hear her, her mouth image moving her mouth the way her mouth moves, how I know it to move, the tilt of her head, her smile that isn't a smile : a longer image than I had had of her = the length my heart stopped.

There were words and I did not know them. I could hear them. I could understand them. Yet, I do not know them. These were the first sounds I had had since before. They happened at 5:14a.m.. They accompanied my stutter.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

reworks on The Recipients mean going back to Patient Zero.
       
     
reworks on The Recipients mean going back to Patient Zero.

"The suicide was inevitable."
(a note from Edward's mother?; a statement from Lawrence?; an acceptance of oneself?)

I give up. I've been the bearer of no standard worth defending for far too long. I stuck it out and I go along and my good may appear to outweigh the bad, but it doesn't look that was on those I love the most, Then their perception of my waster is more important than what I think is "effort" on my own. I can view. I can think. I can perceive. But what I see is not what she sees, what they think, or what I could defend so it matters little or not at all.  

Your eyes are yours and yours alone. And you can't describe your lies as they are, to you, because to them they are lies and truths and questions and doubts. You can describe to yourself only yours, make the case to only yourself, confront your doubts in your arguments before, or after, they become arguments for them, or her; any word you say is : Trepidatious. 

Her silence, any word you make : Suspect because she is unwilling to speak before you. Her thought, when you address her are echoes without her utterances. You think for her, she lets you and you become accomplice in your own blame. 

You can learn from this, as much you don't want to accept it : that actions towards you begat your own responsibility and without words of ownership – or admittance – silence makes subjectivity her power. Your interpretation you have no choice other than hers. 

from The Recipients

p.shaw

What's different from day to day.
       
     
What's different from day to day.

Edward sharing his work with Lawrence.

"
What's harder is the people. They make light move and bend, even though they live, or appear in exactly the same environment, even if often enough they hold still in the same ways."

"See? This is that one, right there, at five thirty two p.m. on September nineteenth, two thousand and three, even though the lights were off. This one is five thirty two p.m. on November twenty third, two thousand and three, when the lights were on, but no one home. Here's the next day, November twenty fourth, two thousand and three. Same but different."

from The Recipients
p.shaw

Edward sharing his work with Lawrence.

the order of things
       
     
the order of things

There were shapes that kept fitting, repeatable. Like a melody or socks all purchased on the same day: same # of wearings, same # of washings.

With the right strokes, they appear and, I can control them: their fluidity is theirs but I have learned the behaviors so that viscousness... 

Fine tuning some of the voyeurism in The Recipients.

p.shaw

 

a part on Edward's painting process.
       
     
a part on Edward's painting process.

...is consistent on surface when loaded consistently on the brush and allowed the identical representational release : the shapes are barely perceptible – but they always return and dry exactly as before – hardening to the surface : becoming their possessions : a table where it was yesterday and the lamp : all the same. Whatever is inside, like the teeth in a mouth.

from The Recipients

p.shaw

a continued part on Edward's painting process.
       
     
a continued part on Edward's painting process.

Seasons effect how they live but not where their teeth are in the mouth. Do you see? But on the 24th, these are them. Wait, here is them in July : watching TV. The 18th of 2002, same. But on the 24th there are five of them : the couple and two women with a child. Can you see? 

They are the hardest : new items; new people; remodels; parties. 

from The Recipients. 

p.shaw

against obligatory
       
     
against obligatory

You do no longer know me for I have grown to dislike the receiving of gifts.

for The Recipients.

p.shaw

when i felt in the bottom.
       
     
when i felt in the bottom.

...and in my youth I presumed a world smarter than me.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Monday Morning Intersections.
       
     
Monday Morning Intersections.

"I hope what you're witnessing is my ascent rather than the opposite. Eventually we can figure out which, together."

"You loved everything until you took the time to think about it."

on giving Jonathan some more dimension in The Recipients
p.shaw

 No matter how human you have become you can't make me make you my family again.   from   The Recipients.     p. shaw
       
     

No matter how human you have become you can't make me make you my family again. 

from The Recipients. 

p.shaw

from Edward's Mother.
       
     
from Edward's Mother.

"I know you are worried about it, but you are quite good at that."

for more edits on The Recipients

p.shaw

more on the revisions to revisions...
       
     
more on the revisions to revisions...

"Where is the point where you are actually breaking the world apart?" 

"How can you slow to a point where we can all question? Or that we can make the words in the combination that make the world slow? I don't need you to break It apart. Let alone a world. "

"But your It should be considered.  Otherwise, there is enough."

"Otherwise, there is enough? There needn't be more? How do we get the slow down? ," each word was specific. I promise.

"How can I convince you without telling you that i chose each word intentionally? Or not The Word but A Word, so that you would slow the fuck down to hear it."  

Our commitment. Our conviction. Mine. Yours. A heresy... we continue. 

for The Recipients

 

little bits of dialogue and despair...
       
     
little bits of dialogue and despair...

The Recipients has managed to be finished a few times. Now, there is still some noodling to do with what amounts to my denouement, which if you know my work, is typically more like a large prolonged sigh than a punch that makes you lose your breath. 

 "I don't hate you for how I am."

"And I don't need you to break it apart. But your IT should be considered. Otherwise, is there enough?"

for The Recipients

p.shaw

the genetic nature of human sound.
       
     
the genetic nature of human sound.

My brother coughs a lot, just like I do, just like my father did. They more than I, but the sound is exactly the same : indistinguishable : between father and sons; son to son; a stranger couldn't tell the difference if blindfolded or in another room.

Remarkable that whatever you do to unbecome them, you will resemble them. Not only un death but in the stages leading towards it. Your will can change you, steeping yourself in difference will stain you to a different tast but when the body breaks down you will resort to being... 

What it means to receive.
       
     
What it means to receive.

Because I want to whittle down and do whittle down, you want me to have more, when there is none. 

for The Recipients

p.shaw

What I feel.
       
     
What I feel.

It's even quicker than that, like a blank page void of all lines, then suddenly names, descriptions, applications I can't process before they are erased away. I guess I could blame the notes, certainly not the melody, for that is what brings the waves, controls tides, the satellite maintaining my dream, but the notes change the song before I can dance. 

p.shaw

Find.
       
     
Find.

You need to find someone like me, but better than me. 

for The Recipients

p.shaw

All the things Edward's sick has kept him from.
       
     
All the things Edward's sick has kept him from.

Reworking some of the dialogue sequences between Lawrence and Edward upon recommendation from my trusted reader, BW. 

"You have missed the innocence. The innocence a girl feels when she shyly reaches to touch your face for the first time. How she looks each time she does this when it is one of her favorite things to do. 

"You have missed this, Edward. And for that, I am very sorry." 

for The Recipients

p.shaw

Silent Race
       
     
Silent Race

The Silent Race to determine who can hurt the other first. Even with different tracks and courses, the finish lines all end at the same place, with varying levels of glory and despair.​

for The Recipients

p.shaw

The day after and every day after.
       
     
The day after and every day after.

My father has died. I woke up this morning and my father has died. And he will die again, every morning I awake.​

Every morning I awake.
Every morning I awake.​

And he will die again. Every morning. Whether I awake or not. He will die and I will die for someone else.​

p.shaw

from The Recipients.​

Edward gets the news.​

the note I was waiting to hear.
       
     
the note I was waiting to hear.

​I tried to time you once, time you with my heart rate, volume of fluid traveling, the beating of the life is the melody, and I tried to time your note within a meter or two. I could almost expect your arrival, but cholesterol jazz musicians off on their own tangent changed the tune, to my like or dislike but you remain elusive like the note I wished for them to play.

from The Recipients.​

p.shaw

having to decide.
       
     
having to decide.

I want to remember every single second. I won't. They will be lost. Together we can share their burden that they happened.​

In making room, Edward knows he has to let go, wants to let go, and is afraid that what he eliminates will be hidden in him but on the surface for others.​

from The Recipients

p.shaw

follow.
       
     
follow.

I could follow you, I really could, even if I don't want to and I don't. It would mean nothing, everything, all at once becomes nothing. I just can't because it's words. Words that mean nothing and everything all at once, twice, three times of us. ​

For it all...​

For Edward Follow is not to linger or chase or pursue, it is to Go With.​

from The Recipients

p.shaw

poor choices.
       
     
poor choices.

​Love, in certain moments, can be so childish, so poorly thought out. And in those moments we make often times horrible momentary impulsive choices. Decisions that are cooked up in the immeasurably worse possible second. And then what are the most childish, and immature, the simplest of mistakes, those haunt us for a lifetime, or so it seems.

You're asking, have I made such fatal flaws? of course I have and they are the seeds of all my regret. In fact, I think it's painfully obvious that I have never made a single, good decision when it comes to love. Just look at the evidence.​

Reworks the sentence structure of internal thoughts for Anna. They look decidedly different in the manuscript form.

​from The Recipients.
p.shaw

The Vows : A Promise. An Insult.
       
     
The Vows : A Promise. An Insult.

I work. I can work. Then there's this other thing. It's giving up.​

Anna's inner-monologue as she struggles with her new approach to life.​

from The Recipients.​

- p.shaw

even from here I can see...
       
     
even from here I can see...

Her straps, her red straps are holding back all the truth I desire or have lost in opportunity. Little bits of things become so much more in the minds of those who want. The shadows of her find light from the radiance that is all her skin. The mole in the middle of the back, the mole in the middle of the back.

from The Recipients.

-p.shaw

Anna watches the blind woman.​

Simple Written Word.
       
     
Simple Written Word.

From The Recipients.​

Edward's mind works in loops and diagrams.​

I left.
       
     
I left.

When I heard the words: "I left you" come out of my mouth.​

It's a simple act that happens every day – but saying it, correcting it, an explicit opens the doubt.​

from The Recipients.​

Anna considering her (non)future with Jonathan.​

28448270-Photo.jpg
       
     
28009304-Photo.jpg
       
     
Deflation
       
     
Deflation

I look to see which one of them will collapse when I introduce myself. There is always one, or more, who want – and when I lie and say, "and something interesting in my life is... I'm pregnant." The one who deflates or gives that bummer look is the fucker I have to say away from. They almost always are wearing a ring.​

– from The Recipients

p.shaw

 ​A four year long dissolution – not one day at a time. The days happen w/o dissolve. The dissolve is the minutes that make my stomach hurt, the heart that pounds, the tongue that ties, and the thing I run from, but return to – I can't help it. And I force it.  – from   The Recipients   p.shaw
       
     

​A four year long dissolution – not one day at a time. The days happen w/o dissolve. The dissolve is the minutes that make my stomach hurt, the heart that pounds, the tongue that ties, and the thing I run from, but return to – I can't help it. And I force it.

– from The Recipients
p.shaw

the song before I can dance.
       
     
the song before I can dance.

It's been four or more years since I saw you last and I wonder is you're still available. Certainly not in an accessible way.​

from The Recipients

p.shaw

Minute.
       
     
Minute.

Each of these minute details could mean nothing. Or they could mean everything, at all. 

from The Recipients

p.shaw

ARD_6.22.2016.2.jpg
       
     
a note from mother.
       
     
a note from mother.

You may know your father killed himself. But, did you know that he had to? Not always are the choices for a way out, clear. 

p.shaw

for The Recipients. 

New Bookended Chapter Headings
       
     
New Bookended Chapter Headings

after R.L.

for The Recipients

p.shaw

 

working at nothing.
       
     
working at nothing.

"No one really wants to work harder at anything. We all want to just find that thing we are naturally good at so it's a perfect fit, and life becomes easy." 

"I believe most people, whether they know it of not, do nothing." 

- between Lawrence and Edward. The conversation that begins their friendship. 

from The Recipients

p.shaw

motivations and rationale
       
     
motivations and rationale

You gave me permission to hate and so I grew up to hate different things than the ones you did. I believed myself to be better because what I came to hate was all you had stood for. 

From The Recipients

p.shaw

another equation on mother
       
     
another equation on mother

the same silence she employs – (minus) action ≠ but ≥ ignoring : Desire. = Fly on Walls.

from The Recipients

p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 1.21.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 1.21.2014

4:51am
What happened to you that you are here without anyone because you look like you shouldn't be, that you are at the end of those who were waiting for more. You waited too long.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

 

about the birds at Rakita
       
     
about the birds at Rakita

...recover quickly enough, pull up to light on a branch or projecting its wings to stall mid-air and reverse course. If neither of these things occur, they slam into a tree or the side of Rakita. It's as if the windows here are open to some battleground or colosseum of competition. Why, I don't know. I imagine, or have come to like to, that this is all for my benefit, which is wholly unlikely, except that while they are flying erratic patterns throughout the whole forest surrounding Rakita – this panorama that is before me is different and brutal.

p.shaw

a secret pact with things
       
     
a secret pact with things

No matter how 'thoughtful', for that is how someone refers to a gift that seems perfect, or even just appropriate, I can't enter into their secret pact with things. How they are used or not used. How they are observed in claiming portions of their space.The sacrifices they'll need to make to make room for my desires on them. I'll never know the conversations they should be having with things.

for The Recipients
p.shaw

Nightstand Artifacts: 1.30.2014
       
     
Nightstand Artifacts: 1.30.2014

1:02am
I just kept looking at you. I always keep looking at you. I cannot imagine a time where I will not be looking for you. Be searching for your image.

That was a kind way for you to tell me to stop. And I did. And I still have to ask myself was it a question and not an order.

4:37am
 This is not about today.
At some point you should risk it all again.
Then everything will be made really simple.

p.shaw

 

notes from the first retreat to work on: The Recipients
       
     
notes from the first retreat to work on: The Recipients

...forced to write with aids (visual) and in layout, etc. It's all about seeing. 

I am immersed – in words.

Ninth of July, two zero zero eight: Rakita
My stomach is attempting its best impersonation of my dog.

I saw a sea star eating a whole crab. The shadows on the water made me feel as if it were lifting its whole enormous body to me – the East Sound and the decaying carcass of the crab.

p.shaw